not all who wander are lost.

I am a traveler by heart. I have a restless nature, in some ways, I guess. That sort of lifestyle isn't really conductive with 4...or 5... kids. 5 Kids. 5 Small Children. That really is a lot, if we're honest.

I googled my title quote just now, I wanted to see what the rest of it was. I knew it was J.R.R Tolkien, but that's about it. I came across a blog from 2005 (as in, the found post was from 2005, and the last post made was also in 2005). As I read the post, I realized something. Blogs used to be different. They actually used to be journal-ish. I liked that. I remember reading random blogs of people I didn't know just because it was interesting to see what their lives were like. It was kind of like people-watching at the airport (another favorite pastime of mine). I would even bookmark the most interesting. Not saying that there aren't any that are like that any more, just less. Now it seems that blogs are like reference books. At least the ones I happen upon. DIY projects, recipes, how-to's, etc... And there is nothing wrong with that, it's very useful at times. I find lots of cool things and yummy recipes that way. Just an observation that I never thought about before.

Back to traveling. I miss it. I miss the freedom of being able to do it. I shouldn't think about it too much, and I really don't. But just every now and then. A friend started posting pictures of a trip to Paris. It has been fun looking through them and living vicariously through her. When I was younger, I think I just assumed that traveling would automatically be part of my life, forever. I didn't really think about money/job/family/logistics etc. I just assumed it would happen. But it doesn't. You need money. And if you have kids that will be traveling with you, you need LOTS of money. Like, unimaginable amounts. And if you have kids and plan on traveling without them, then that just brings another string of problems and complications. Especially when you have more than one kid. It just doesn't happen. Not big, out-of-the-country type trips. Day-trips, occasionally. One-week-per-year vacation at the beach. Out-of-state trips, very rarely (like once every 4 years). It's ok though. I hope/imagine that one day, when my kids are older, we'll have our chance. But until then, our local little family adventures will have to suffice.

An open fire.

My last post was depressing. Sorry. If not depressing, it was at least not encouraging. Let's not repeat that.

It's the holiday season again. Happy Halloweeen! And in a month, I will say Happy Thanksgiving... and a  month from then I will say Merry Christmas. So I will get them all out of the way now-- HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I don't really feel it yet. I'm trying to. It's been a long year. And I'm not sure if I'm really ready for the holidays without the rest of my family being here. Agh! This is supposed to be NOT gloomy.

Good things:

- It's been cold, which means we've had fire in the fireplace! Yay! I kept it going all day yesterday, and it was wonderful and cozy. Yesterday was a good day.

- The kids have done several fall crafts in the past few weeks and have been coloring like mad. I like that.

- It's almost time to start listening to Sufjan Stevens' Christmas box set! (ok, ok... I already have once... or twice...)

- The kids and I carved a funny pumpkin last night. Elsie picked the eyes, Marlene the nose, Judah the mouth, and I carved it and added ears. Amos got to watch and make loud noises. The kids took out a blanket and sat in the front yard to watch as I put candles inside. Then I roasted the seeds after they went to sleep -- Yum.



Alright, well this was maybe at least a little redeeming from last time. Either way, the kids are awake now so it's time to go.

Say all the things that you really want to say.

Has life always been as busy as it is today? What is the "right" way to live (is there a "right/wrong"?)? There are so many distractions. So many things to-do. Ballet lessons? Soccer? Piano? Should children be made to take lessons to promote a skill? Is that worthwhile? Or is that busy-ness? Homeschool? Send children to public school? Private school? What is right? Or are there multiple "rights"?? And if I don't homeschool, am I giving up? Giving in? Is it selfish, so I have more time to clean my house and be crafty like everyone else? Where is my focus... what matters to me? Does it matter that I don't feel like I'm a natural teacher? That I don't necessarily enjoy teaching, but I do it because I feel like I should. And I want to enjoy it. Ideally, I think it seems wonderful. Full of joy. But it's not always full of joy for me. It's a struggle sometimes, a hardship. Something I don't really want to do. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I don't... to be honest. But I'm selfish. I really am a selfish person. (it's hard to be a decent human being...right, Dave?) I want to do things that make me happy. That make me feel good. I'm also lazy. Or that's what my innermost being seems to want. If I had a day that I could do what I want, what would I do? I would probably lay in bed and watch Dr. Who. Or something similar. But there's a battle inside of me. Part of me that wants to be lazy and selfish, and part of me who wants to be productive super-mom.

I pretend like I have better values than others or mothers I see not taking care of their kids, but really I don't. At the root of me, I just want to take care of myself and no one else. An independent life. Free from responsibility. I've always valued independence. Alone-liness. Not loneliness, just being alone. I liked it, you know, before having kids.

But that's not my life. My life is full of people and little people. No man (or woman) is an island, so they say. So I have to adjust. I have to fight against my nature, which, as I've said, is lazy and self-centered. And it's not easy, most of the time. And sometimes I don't want to fight, and I'll let laundry and dishes pile up. And I'll feel irritated. And I'll have no patience. But thankfully there's little people who need me to keep fighting against myself, so I do. Or I try to.

But I still don't have all the answers. And most of the time, I really don't know what I'm doing.

bon iver - skinny love

Food.

I've been reading blogs about food tonight. Started on Pinterest, casually browsing. Then searched "overnight oats," which led to hundreds of different pins. I chose a few and proceeded to look at the sites the pins came from. Several were from vegan sites... which made me start to wonder about that type of lifestyle choice. One recipe came from a site called "[So&so] Eats Real Food." For some reason, that name made me laugh. We, or those of us who choose to eat well/naturally, are sooo very proud of our way of life. There are so many blogs about natural-eating, natural-living, etc... It is really interesting to me that living "naturally" needs to be talked about. Long-ago, that's just the way people lived. 100 years ago, I doubt that  girl would go over to her neighbour and say "Oh, I just ate the most delicious lunch. All-natural quinoa with lime, cilantro and fresh roasted red bell pepper on top of a bed of organic baby kale, sprinkled with chia seeds and a dab of homemade hummus." Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for natural. The more, the better. I like raw foods, I wish I only ate raw/natural/organic. But I don't. And I'm sure those who do are vastly more healthy and will live several years longer than I. My only point is that it's funny that we talk about it. I do it too, though. I talk about my cornstarch-baking-soda deodorant, cider vinegar "conditioner," olive oil face cleanser, etc... But why? Why are we (general "we"-- you, specifically, may not be) so proud of doing things in a more "natural" manner or eating well? And being so proud, need to tell others about it. And on the other side, we want to hear about it! I'm always reading this-or-that blog about natural-living or whatever, tonight is the perfect example.

It's just funny, that is all. Shouldn't it just be the normal("natural") way to live and not the hot-topic of conversation?

Renew.

I can't remember the last time I didn't make a new years resolution. So I'll not let this year be any different, albeit a little late. This year, I have a theme [place post title before each resolution and it will make sense].

... my Walk.

... my stand on less screen-time.

... my creativity with parenting.

... my commitment to purposeful/careful discipline.

... my healthy lifestyle.

... my food journal.

... my exercise "regime."

... my tea time.

... my routine.

I like resolutions. They make me feel... resolute.

res·o·lute/ˈrezəˌlo͞ot/      

Admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering

"Mom,

it feels like babysitter.org in here."

-Elsie